The Star of Netflix's Jewish Matchmaking Aleeza Ben Shalom

Disclaimer: Unedited AI Transcription

Announcer (00:06):

You are connected and you are listening to specifically for seniors, the podcast for those in the Remember When Generation.

Announcer (00:16):

Today's

Announcer (00:17):

Podcast is available everywhere you listen to podcasts and with video at specifically for seniors YouTube channel. Now, here's your host, Dr. Larry Barsh. Okay.

Larry (00:36):

Anyone who has watched Jewish matchmaking Netflix's hit show will be excited to meet today's guest on specifically for seniors, the star of the show, Aleeza Ben Shalom. Aliza is an American Israeli matchmaker and dating coach, known for her expertise in helping Jewish singles find love and form lasting relationships. She is also a populous speaker and author, having written several books on relationships and personal growth. We are talking to Aleeza from Israel today. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (01:21):

Thank you so much for having me.

Larry (01:24):

Let's start with the question everyone. Absolutely. Everyone asks you, how does someone become a professional matchmaker?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (01:35):

So you just start setting people up. That's the the easy way to start. But in terms of a professional matchmaker and doing it regularly, the, the way to do it is to, I would say, get training on coaching, mentorship, how to support people through a process. You have to learn about things like conflict resolution. You have to know how to close the deal, help people to make a good decision and the right decision. Sometimes it's to stick with somebody and sometimes it's to walk away. And in terms of professional training, there are many different avenues that one could go, but there is not yet like the one place to do matchmaking. It's the only thing that's out there. There are some, you know, training programs. I have my own program that's specifically made for Jewish matchmakers and coaches. So it's, it's a little bit of a, a new in, it's, it's the oldest profession, but really a new industry in terms of setting industry standards.

Larry (02:37):

So if I became a matchmaker and as a grandparent, I was trying to set up one of my grandchildren with somebody else's grandchild, what would be my success rate?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (02:52):

Oh, <laugh> <laugh>. Well, if you're like all of us, you basically fail every single time. And then, then like one time it's like the one hit wonder, you make a match, and everybody's like, yes, aha. You're a matchmaker. <Laugh> it, I dating goes that way. It's always a failure unless it's the right one. And so out of everybody that you date in your lifetime, it should not work. And then the one time it works. So the, the success rate is often very low unless it's something that you stick with for many years.

Larry (03:22):

So catch me up. I haven't dated anyone for 62, 63 years. What's the difference between then and dating now?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (03:35):

The biggest difference is technology. There are many options and ways for us to connect with people from all over the globe at all hours of the day. And to be interconnected and not have to just look in my little community and my little neighborhood and my cheto is, it's not like that anymore. We're, we're really a worldwide matchmaking community and you could meet anybody from anywhere. And therefore it feels like there are so many options. And in terms of options, if you wanna see them, you just pick a, a dating website or pick a matchmaker and you'll start to see options online. If you don't like this site, you go to another site. If that doesn't work for you and a year from now there's gonna be another 27 sites so you can just pick something new. So there's lots and lots of options and the whole world seems to be open. And yet I think that when you were dating, dating was a little bit easier because there weren't as many options because it just made sense to date the person that was somewhere within a range of proximity to you much closer than today

Larry (04:43):

Where we could get together and meet on a date.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (04:46):

Exactly.

Larry (04:49):

On your show, you ask clients a lot of questions. Do you mind if I ask you how you met your husband?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (04:56):

Absolutely. We were at a retreat in Orlando. It was a Jewish singles retreat, and after the retreat we, it was, it was, you know, Florida. So we, everybody went back home and I was from Philly and he was from Philly and there were a few other people from Philadelphia there. And we started to all hang out together. We would go to somebody's house for Shabbat and it was like a little mini reunion back in Philadelphia. And so we met on the retreat and then because we lived in the same community, we saw each other and several months later we started dating.

Larry (05:30):

So old school dating?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (05:32):

Yeah, it was old school dating, but we did bring in a matchmaker. It was his best friend and rabbi who he brought in and said, you know, even though we didn't meet through a matchmaker, we're bringing a matchmaker in to support us through the dating relationship process so that we can get through it gracefully

Larry (05:51):

For the rare person who hasn't seen your show. And those people are pretty rare in my conversations with friends. Tell us about the show. How does it work?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (06:04):

Jewish matchmaking on Netflix is a show that's inspired by Indian matchmaking and they really took old school real world matchmaking and brought it to the modern day. So I am the matchmaker that's on the program. It's a reality series, so it's not scripted anything that you hear. Those are things that I really say. I didn't have to memorize anything. I just walked in and I did what I normally do, which is I meet with the singles that I'm looking to help. I get to know them sometimes I get to meet their parents and then I come up with ideas and set them up on dates. What you don't really see is all the hurt, hard work behind the scenes, searching in the database and talking to my matchmaking colleagues and trying to set people up, but trying to find them and find the most relevant people. And then I also have to kind of predate them, get to know them, learn about them, and then see if they're really gonna be a match for the client that I'm working with.

Larry (07:03):

I was gonna ask you if you kept a computer database.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (07:07):

Absolutely. Can't do it without a computer database. I, you know, I used to have my little paper notebook and I would take notes and <laugh> it. It, we have to move to a computer database, especially with the quantity of people that we're working with.

Larry (07:20):

So how do you sort on, on which categories do you sort?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (07:25):

Great question. We have a lot of different categories that we can, that we can sort by, whether it's things like location and age, we can sort by people's hobbies and interests, we can support search by different backgrounds or Jewish affiliations. It really gives us a lot of different options and a lot of different criteria. And depending on how on target we wanna be with a match, you can either narrow your preferences or you can widen them, because not always do the systems come up with all the right suggestions when you make it so narrow. So sometimes you have to open it up, read through more profiles and really get to know people.

Larry (08:06):

You've had a show where the Jewish mother is on the initial interview. How do you control a Jewish mother?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (08:16):

You don't <laugh> <laugh>, you don't, you just enjoy her. Mothers have a special place in our hearts and Jewish mothers have a a unique role in raising our children and helping them to find the person that is going to satisfy them for a lifetime. And, and the Jewish mother also knows that if it doesn't work, they're gonna come complaining to them anyway. So they've gotta get it right. It's gotta be a really good suggestion. And I think a lot of Jewish mothers also feel like they know their children very well, but what they might be surprised to learn is that even though they know their children or they know what they want for their children, their children often want something different than what a parent might want for them. So it was a little bit of a learning curve on the show. You get to see a little bit of those interactions and they're really quite quite humorous.

Larry (09:08):

You've got a rule in dating, no physical touching on the first five dates.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (09:16):

It's something that I <laugh>, it's something that I like people to experiment with and try. Meaning I want them to connect on a deeper level. And if they connect physically before they connect emotionally, then I don't know what you really like about them. And I also don't know if you're both truly invested or if the physical comfort is just something that you needed for the moment. So the way that I get rid of any of the doubt or any of the confusion is by holding back physical touch. And if you still like the person and you go out on a sixth date, I know he likes you. I know you like her, I know that things here are actually working nicely and then Elisa kind of looks the other way and you know, the couple resumes, the relationship at the pace that they would like to.

Larry (10:04):

So you're looking for a sort of a deeper conversational connection. Conversational,

Aleeza Ben Shalom (10:10):

Yeah. I want values to be aligned. I want personalities to click and to connect. I want people to know that I'm talking with somebody who respects me and can hear my point of view and somebody who's not triggering to me too much. You know, everybody has their little quirks, some things we can handle and something's not so much. So I want people to have a chance to learn about those things.

Larry (10:32):

Tell me about datu till you hate them.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (10:35):

<Laugh>, <laugh>. So you're not actually allowed to hate anybody in the world. That is not, it's against Elise's rules. So what I'd really like for people to do is to date until you're 100% sure that they're not for you. So that's my playful way of saying it. Date 'em until you hate 'em. But what I want you to do is really give your eyes, give your heart a chance to connect. If it doesn't work, no problem, you can walk away. But I think modern day, we are very quick to move on. We are the culture of next. Okay, next person, next job, next thing that I have to buy. And we are very quick sometimes to walk away if, if I'm not sure, you know. Oh, I'm not sure. So I guess if, I don't know, that must be a no. Nope, that's wrong Logic. The wrong logic is to say if I don't know, it's a no. If it's an, I don't know, it's an, I don't know, it just means you simply aren't sure you need more time. Date 'em till you hate 'em, give them more of an opportunity. If they grow on you over time, great. If they grow less on you over time or they get a little bit more grading on you, then we're gonna wanna end the relationship and that's okay also. But you'll really end it for the right reasons.

Larry (11:49):

How does that connect to analysis paralysis?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (11:53):

It's similar because analysis paralysis, people get stuck in their thinking and in their head. And so they're debating, well, I like this. Well, I don't like that they're kind of like weighing the scales of who somebody is against who they want. And they're trying to figure out in their brain, if this is going to work. And my answer is no, just go out again. Go on another date, date 'em till you hate 'em. Get more data, get more information. You don't have to think about if this is gonna work, if you date 'em again, you're gonna know if this can work or you're gonna know that it can't work. And either way is okay. I don't mind if people break up. I just want them to say no at the right time. And I want them to say yes at the right time. And I don't want people to end it too quickly.

Larry (12:39):

Let me ask a question that specifically pertains to some of our listeners who live in senior living facilities. Matches do occur frequently, fairly frequently, but my real question is when two people are living in a common facility and they meet up and connect, what happens when they wanna break up <laugh>?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (13:05):

Yeah, it's a little messy, but it's okay because when there's an opportunity for a love connection and, and companionship and a healthy relationship, to me it's worthwhile to take the risk over the breakup. I like that people have a conversation or even we should just spread this around all of the communities. Listen, you are gonna date. And the agreement is if it doesn't work out, we still smile when we see each other at dinner and we wave hi, and that's it, and you move on. And nobody has to talk about anybody behind their back. Either it works or it works or it doesn't, or it doesn't. But if it does work, it's really beautiful. You're there, you're together. You have the opportunity to build a beautiful relationship together in a wonderful place. And so to me, it's worthwhile to take that risk and everybody's gotta act, mature and just handle it when things don't work out, because that also happens.

Larry (14:00):

And all the friends in the community,

Aleeza Ben Shalom (14:03):

Everybody's,

Larry (14:04):

I still

Aleeza Ben Shalom (14:05):

<Laugh> respect, respect, respect. Yeah. And you also can't follow the rule. Like, well, my friend dated them, so I can't date them. We don't follow that rule. Not when you live in close quarters like that. They're, they're, they're available. It's, you know, next <laugh>,

Larry (14:21):

I have a fan who wanted to ask you a couple of questions. Yeah. But he couldn't be with us today. And I'm just going to introduce Rabbi Joel Barron and let him ask you the questions himself.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (14:35):

Amazing.

Speaker 5 (14:37):

Hello Elisa. I'm Rabbi Joel Baron. I serve as an interfaith chaplain, but in an overwhelmingly Jewish continuing care retirement community. First of all, my wife and I have loved watching your Netflix series and look forward to another season. During a year living in Israel, we used to take great pleasure sitting in the lobby of a particular hotel in spot, watching Orthodox couples meeting each other for the first or second time, and getting to know each other, watching the dynamic and sometimes picking up bits of conversation became a lovely way of understanding why arranged marriages can work. I understand that you do not arrange marriages as much as you arrange introductions and let the couples take it from there. So my question for you is twofold. First, what has been your success rate, not with marriages, but with lasting ones? And second, how might you compare your experience with Orthodox as opposed to non-orthodox couples? Thank you. Perhaps you can visit us sometime and give our widows and widowers and some divorcees, some pointers.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (16:03):

Thank you. Really beautiful questions. First of all, I would love to visit the community, say hello. It sounds sounds fantastic in terms of my success rate with lasting marriages. So I'll just compare to what's happening in the world. I would say that we have a divorce rate that used to be over 50%, but now it is quite honestly much closer to 60% or even some people will tell you over 60% which is not extremely encouraging. And the question is, why should we bother getting married if people aren't sticking together? And I think it's a fantastic question, but if we're talking about what is my success rate, I would say that you're never going to have a 0% divorce rate because everybody has free will. And the the way that the world works is that we choose our partner and God willing people choose to have that partner for their lifetime.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (16:57):

But you have to have all the relationship skills that you need. And because my way of putting people together is through not only introductions, but also through coaching and mentorship about relationships, about conflict resolution, about lifelong values, goals, and how you would live out from now till your end of days. So a lot of my clients have a leg up and they are able to more gracefully navigate their relationship and know how to manage it over time. So in terms of, of my success rate with long-term marriages, I would say that our divorce rate is much closer to something like 5% or not even not even that. So it's a very high success rate for long-term relationships. And in terms of the differences between Orthodox and non-Orthodox dating and, and singles and the way things go, one of the biggest differences is that orthodox singles are motivated to find a life partner and to get married often within the next, it could be 2, 3, 6, 9 months or a year but often somewhere between two to six months.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (18:09):

And so they're looking to go from single to married and in a long-term relationship right away. And a lot of the secular clients that I work with, they have a longer timeline. So it could be anywhere from a year to two years to three years, and then they're gonna get engaged and married, and then that could still be another a year, 18 months, two years, three years. I've heard all different types of timelines. So often what I see with the secular couples is that they're kind of married before they're actually married. They're often living together, they're living life together. They just didn't choose to say, I picked you. And only you, they kind of keep their options open because, hey, if it doesn't work out well, we didn't even get married and it doesn't matter. But the truth is, when you're living life together as if you're married, a breakup is equally as difficult. Often their lives and their finances and other things become enmeshed and it does become a greater challenge. So those are some of the differences that I'm seeing and some of the challenges that come along with, you know, the different types of relationships.

Larry (19:16):

Wow. <laugh> I'm sure Rabbi Joe will appreciate that answer. On another subject, how do you think AI is gonna affect your job? Can I ask chat, G p t, which people I should match up?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (19:38):

If you know how to prompt chat G p T, it can be excellent. It is highly intelligent. <Laugh>. The artificial intelligence isn't just artificial intelligence, it is really high level artificial intelligence. And if it's prompted correctly, it can help you to break up with the lady that you're dating. It can help you to figure out, well, if my personality's like this, what might be a good match for me? Or if I, you can ask it to, you know, act as my dating coach and give me advice based on the following information so it can be good for you. The the challenge is that you have to be the decider if that information is accurate and relevant and if it's specific for you, because it might be not specific enough. And also, if we're not asking the questions in the right way, we might not get the right answer. Whereas working with somebody one-on-one, they're going to have more of an insight, be more attuned to you, not just general intelligence, but they're gonna have spec specific intelligence and advice that's specifically based on understanding and knowing who you are as a person. In terms of things like job security, I'm not worried. I love ai. I think chat, G B T is fantastic and it's something that I use in my business. I think that it is a, a really spectacular tool when it's used in the right way.

Larry (21:05):

So if somebody wanted to break up, you can say, Hey, chat, g p t, write me a text. <Laugh>,

Aleeza Ben Shalom (21:12):

Yeah, send, send chat, g p t you know, act as a whatever, single man, woman of a certain age who has been dating for X period of time, who had a good relationship, but who doesn't wanna continue? You can even give it the reasons and ple, you can even tell it. Please be kind in the breakup, but firm you can describe the emotion that you want it to come through. It will do it better than you and I could script it. It's, it's remarkable how good it is.

Larry (21:42):

I didn't expect that answer. <Laugh>

Aleeza Ben Shalom (21:45):

<Laugh>

Larry (21:47):

On your Instagram page at Elisa Ben Shalom, you talk about webinars, speed dating, live shows. Do you wanna tell us about those?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (21:58):

Absolutely. I'm a busy lady and I love everything. Dating and relationship, anything that's connected to it, that's my favorite thing to do. So I do offer online things like courses. I do offer live webinars and programs. We do have things like speed dating and sometimes we will a range based on the countries that people are in, or East coast, west coast, sometimes it's based on twenties, thirties, thirties, forties, forties, fifties, fifties, sixties plus. And we will try our best to bring people together. And then I'm also doing something which is very exciting. I'm doing a world tour and speaking in North America, south America, Australia, South Africa, Israel, London. And we're doing a live matchmaking show, which is a little bit about me, how I grew up, my Judaism, my connection to matchmaking, of course, a little q and a about the show and what happened. And then we literally do live matchmaking. We bring up two guys and two girls to the stage. I train the audience to be matchmakers alongside of me, and we match, make the people on stage, and we come up with ideas for them. And we even had one person write to us so far and said, hi. I was one of the guys on the stage. And thanks to your show, I met my soulmate and my behar. Thank you so much. So it's working. <Laugh>

Larry (23:27):

<Laugh>. Are you gonna do any shows in the Boston area?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (23:31):

Oh, I have to look at my schedule. I don't know if I'm scheduled in Boston yet. I'm gonna look and check, but if not, I'm gonna tell my guy that we need to get something there for you guys. <Laugh>,

Larry (23:43):

You've written a couple of books that are available on Amazon. Get real, get Married, get over your hurdles, and under the hookah and virtual dating your Guide to a relationship in a socially distant world. Tell us about the books.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (23:59):

I was thinking when I first started my business, what could I do to help me professionally and to help singles in the world? And that would make a really big difference. And I knew that I couldn't speak to everybody, and I said, you know what? If I at least take my wisdom and I get it out and I put it on paper, I can put it out to the world. If people like it, they can just learn from a book. You don't even need to work with me. Or if you're not sure if you wanna work with me, you wanna read it. You wanna get to know me and my style and what I believe that can help you to make a decision. So I said, you know what? If I only ever write one book, you know, what would it be? And the first book that I wrote was Get Real Get Married.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (24:39):

And I put in all the wisdom and information that I had at that moment to help people to hyperfocus on finding their soulmate and making that happen right now. And to me, it's not about getting married, it's actually about staying real and staying married. But that's kind of what we do. We, we entice them with dating, but we give them all the wisdom that they need to be in a relationship for a lifetime. And in terms of virtual dating that came out during the pandemic, and it wasn't just long distance dating, it was virtual. Like, hi, I don't know if I'm gonna meet you in two months or six months. Hi, my borders are closed. I can't get from Canada to Florida to visit you. So I guess we'll just build a relationship online. But it wasn't just long distance, it was really virtual. We had never met in person and we don't have the opportunity to meet in person. And so it gives over a lot of tools for people to be able to build a relationship without being able to see each other

Larry (25:35):

Before we end the discussion and the podcast. Do you have any words of wisdom for today for people?

Aleeza Ben Shalom (25:44):

I would love people to know that if you are looking for somebody, if you want to find somebody that you should put your efforts into it, you should know the statistics, you'll mostly meet the wrong person. And that's normal. It's just called dating. It's supposed to work that way. And you just keep your eye out for the right one. And don't be discouraged when it's the wrong one. It's good news when it's the wrong one because you're not gonna get into a relationship that's not for you. We want it to end and to have all of the hope and all of the positive encouragement to know that you do have the ability to meet the right one.

Larry (26:24):

Aliza, it's been so much fun, a real joy and a real pleasure talking with you. Thanks for coming on specifically for seniors.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (26:34):

Thank you for having me.

Announcer (26:41):

If you found this

Announcer (26:42):

Podcast interesting, fun or helpful, tell your friends and family and click on the follow or subscribe button. We'll let you know when new episodes are available. You've been listening to specifically for seniors. We'll talk more next time. Stay connected.